


Every Day

by sparksfly7



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Character Study, M/M, i just want to give taeyong a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-10-12 15:18:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10493754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparksfly7/pseuds/sparksfly7
Summary: Everyone makes mistakes when they’re young, people say.Yeah, Taeyong thinks, but not everyone becomes the face of an idol group.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first NCT fic. I got assaulted by some major Taeyong feelings the other day and spent the whole weekend reading Jaeyong fics and looking at pictures of Taeyong. #noregrets As a result, this happened.

Everyone makes mistakes when they’re young, people tell him.

Yeah, Taeyong thinks, but not everyone becomes the face of an idol group. When he was a trainee and the rumours surfaced, like some horrible, half-buried (but not forgotten, no, never forgotten) monster emerging from the depths, he was afraid but at least that fear was just for himself. He was afraid that he wouldn’t get to debut, that the future he had dreamed of would stay as merely that, a dream.

However, now the fear isn’t limited to himself but to all of them. It isn’t enough that they had to live up to such illustrious sunbaes – TVXQ, Super Junior, SHINee, EXO, the list stretches on like a path he couldn’t find a foothold on – had an unusual concept – an infinite number of units and members, and would he not be part of that infinity after all – now they have to deal with this too. With him, dragging them back, pushing them down, when he was supposed to do the opposite. He was supposed to launch them, to lead them.

On good days, he doesn’t think about it. Or at least, he doesn’t focus on it. On good days, he dances, not just because he has to practice choreography or stay in shape but because he loves it. He loves the way his body responds, the way he can feel the beat thrumming in his muscles, his bones, he loves the feeling of moving with the music rather than just to it. On good days, he sings; he knows he’s not a great singer, he’ll never be able to sing like Taeil or Jaehyun or Doyoung, but he works on it, he practices, he tries. Sometimes, that almost feels like enough. On good days, he cooks and draws pride from the way the kids gobble down his food, and he’ll roll up his sleeves and wash the dishes afterwards, shooing them away because Sicheng means well but always gets more water on himself than the plates, and Donghyuck doesn’t even mean well and just wants to spritz water at everyone. On good days, he jokes around with (or more like gets made fun of by, really) Ten and Doyoung; babies Mark, Donghyuck and Sicheng; chats with Taeil and Yuta; and as for Jaehyun… Well, Jaehyun is all his own category.

On bad days, it’s all he can think about. It’s not just a thought on his mind, but rather something that pervades the entirety of it, like a poisonous miasma, a funeral shroud, his other thoughts unable to pierce through the gloom. On bad days, he dances; he has to, he’s the main dancer after all, he’s in the centre, he is the centre. His body still responds, still obeys him like a well-trailed machine, albeit not a well-oiled one because he can feel the ache in his waist and his legs and all the places that come alive with pain. He’s rude, awful, toxic, worthless, a colossal fuck-up. On bad days, he cleans; he scrubs the counters obsessively and sweeps every inch of the floor and organizes his room even though it’s already spotless, and he only wishes that he could scrub away the dark spots in his life the way he can dust and grime.

He shouldn’t be here, he shouldn’t contaminate them. There’s nothing special he can bring to the table anyway: he can dance, but there’s Ten; he can rap, but there’s Mark; he looks good, objectively speaking, although sometimes he can’t meet his own reflection in the mirror, but there’s Jaehyun. Jaehyun, who has the face and the voice and the personality, the dimpled smile that is hard to meet head-on, the cheerful attitude that the idol life hasn’t managed to taint. That Taeyong hasn’t managed to taint.

 _I should stay away from him,_ he thinks sometimes. Mostly on bad days. _Otherwise, I’ll ruin his life the way I ruined mine._

He can never go through with it, however. He wants Jaehyun too much, wants to bask in his smile, soak in the warmth from it, from him. Wants to melt into his touches, the way he constantly throws an arm around Taeyong or puts a hand at the small of his back; careless, casual touches that make Taeyong feel anything but. Taeyong wants to be a good hyung, wants to protect Jaehyun like the rest of them, but often it’ll feel like Jaehyun is the one who’s protecting him.

Jaehyun is the one who coaxes Taeyong from the couch on those nights when he’s left exhausted but wide awake, who guides him to his bed, or Jaehyun’s bed more often than not. He’ll wake up in the early morning with Jaehyun’s arm around him, sometimes a leg thrown over his, or even once Jaehyun’s face buried in the crook of his neck. He’ll take a moment to revel in it, in the solid warmth of Jaehyun against him, around him, the familiar scent of him, the comfort even though the bed is barely big enough for one of them, not to mention both.

Jaehyun is the one who forcibly takes the iPad away from Taeyong when he’s been reading comments (negative, always negative) for too long, who makes him watch a movie or just chat with him instead. They’ve spent many hours talking about their childhoods, and Taeyong learns that Jaehyun loves his mom’s miyeokguk but loathes her samgyetang and used to be obsessed with sports mangas to the point he wanted to become a basketball player and fell off a tree when he was eleven and broke his arm and has a scar on his elbow that he thinks looks like the Han River. In return, Taeyong tells him about his dog Ruby who he adores although the sentiment isn’t returned and his sweet tooth that resulted in seven cavities and his love for Ghibli movies and how Spirited Away still makes him cry every time.

Jaehyun is the one who’ll sneak outside, cap and mask and hood on, as many defences as possible, and buy enough takeout for all of them so that Taeyong doesn’t have to cook, even though he insists that he’s fine with it or that he should at least go with Jaehyun. Jaehyun is the one who… Jaehyun is the one.

 _You always take care of us, hyung,_ Jaehyun says. _Just let me take care of you this one time._

Really, it’s a lot more than one time, and even though Taeyong protests and feels guilty, he can’t turn Jaehyun away. He thought that he’s learned how to control his wants by now, but Jaehyun is clearly an exception. He’s always been an exception.

On good days, there’s Jaehyun, and on bad days, there’s Jaehyun too. Every day, there’s Jaehyun and Taeyong doesn’t know things any other way.

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wanted to continue this with some actual dialogue and moments with Jaehyun but it kind of came to an end here on its own.
> 
> Please let me know what you think!


End file.
